Daisaku Ikeda's Essay on Puerto Rican Psychologist Salvador Santiago-Negron

SGI President Daisaku
Ikeda’s Essay Series

Translated from the May 29, 2004 issue of the Seikyo Shimbun,
the Soka Gakkai (Japan) daily newspaper, this article appears in the October 2004 issue of Living Buddhism magazine.

Life Is Wonderful

When I met with Puerto Rican psychologist Dr. Salvador Santiago-Negrón, we agreed on the growing importance of psychology in our world, with the many things it has to teach us about human relations.

The interaction between a mother and child affords a clear example of the value of applying psychological principles in everyday life. Imagine a conversation between a mother and her three-year-old son, who is trying to cut an apple with a sharp knife.

“Put that knife down!” says the mother. “You’re going to cut your finger.”

Then the mother suddenly remembers something she had studied in psychology—that every accusatory “you” message can be turned into a non-blaming “I” message. She pauses a moment, and then, in a tone of voice free from anger, says: “When I see you holding that sharp knife, I feel scared. I worry that you might cut yourself.”

The child looks calmly at his mother and, after she reiterates her concern, relinquishes the knife to her, without anger or argument. His mother had found a way of speaking to him that didn’t hurt his pride, that respected him as an individual, and he had responded in kind.[1]

Of course, simply finding the right way of addressing others won’t always solve life’s problems. People aren’t machines, and there is no single answer that will always work. Cultural differences also play a role, and the best methods may differ from culture to culture.

But a “you” message almost always forces its recipient into a defensive mode, shuts down the possibilities for real communication, and stirs a desire to win out over one’s opponent. Feeling that responding positively to the other person’s demand would be capitulating, we refuse to comply. That seems to be a universal tendency.

In contrast, an “I” message respects the other person. It is not an attempt to criticize and force compliance. Instead, it is descriptive: “When you do that, I feel this way. I want you to know that. How you respond to it is your decision.” Communication framed in this mode does not accuse other people of anything or try to force them to obey your wishes. It is respectful of others’ autonomy. This, I believe, is an important key to positive interactions not only with other adults, but with children as well.

When we get angry, however, we are quick to start our sentences with “you”—“You did this” or “You always do that.” At a question-and-answer session, a woman once asked my mentor, second Soka Gakkai President Josei Toda, how to deal with a problem she was experiencing with her husband. He was coming home later and later from work each day, until eventually he started not coming home at all.

Mr. Toda replied to her in a kindly fashion: “Are you always picking on him and complaining when he comes home? Do you angrily demand, ‘Where were you yesterday? How about the day before?’ That is certain to make him feel bad. Instead, try welcoming him home warmly. Make him a nice home-cooked meal and, when he walks through the door, say: ‘Have some dinner. Here’s a special treat I made for you.’

“If you do that, he’ll want to come home. It may be that he doesn’t like to come home now because of how you treat him when he does. If my wife was always grilling me, ‘Where were you? Why didn’t you come home?’ I wouldn’t want to come home either.

“Tomorrow, when your husband returns from work, cook him that dinner. If you don’t have enough money, it doesn’t have to be an expensive meal, but make him some home cooking and offer it to him, with genuine warmth. Just trust me; this will work. You try it from tomorrow. When you complain and fuss and criticize, you are only driving him farther and farther away.”

I want to make it clear that President Toda wasn’t saying that the husband’s behavior should be condoned. But he knew that the woman’s real goal was not to defeat her husband. Even if she got the last word in an argument, it wouldn’t necessarily make her husband treat her any better.

Of course, the same applies when husbands have a point of contention with their wives.

Most people expend an incredible amount of energy trying to change others. We think, “If only he would change,” “If only she would stop being that way!” But in fact, trying to change others often only makes them resent us more, and it is rarely effective. Taking it one step further and criticizing or attacking others as being unscrupulous, unfair or insensitive very often makes them respond with even more of the same behavior we are criticizing.

This is true of children as well. If a mother is always shouting at her child to hurry up, the child ends up seeing himself as a slow person who can’t do things quickly enough. Once that self-impression takes root in his heart, he actually becomes slow, in a perversely self-fulfilling prophecy. This has been identified as an actual psychological phenomenon.

The best way to encourage a child to do things more quickly is just that: to encourage. Praise the child when he has completed a task more quickly than usual, and nurture the self-image in his mind of someone who can accomplish things quickly. If we tell children that they are good and kind, they will actually become good and kind.

Dr. Santiago-Negrón is also active in applying psychology to social problems. He stresses the need for a broad-ranging support system, which he calls “social capital,” to support the mental health of our societies: “Social capital is defined as the ability to develop solidarity groups, the ability to develop social strength and the ability to develop a group that could sustain you when you feel weak, when you feel sick, when you feel sad, when you feel disoriented, when you feel that you need support as another human being. If you have that asset around you, you will probably be healthier than when you are alone, when you are without support at all. And that [lack of support] is what is creating most of the mental health problems in society today.” To help tackle this problem, Dr. Santiago-Negrón established a family counseling center and community hotline program in Puerto Rico, and served as the first director of both.

Another problem the psychologist has devoted much attention to is domestic violence, which has come under increased focus around the world in recent years. Domestic violence is not limited to physical violence; it can include verbal abuse as well, such as disparaging one’s partner or treating them as less than human. It can also manifest itself as ignoring a partner’s need for medical care or other forms of assistance. Some people treat their partner like a prisoner, monitoring his or her telephone calls and mail in an attempt to isolate the person from society. Domestic violence can manifest itself as psychological violence, such as destroying the partner’s cherished personal belongings, or as economic deprivation—for example, providing insufficient living expenses, or harassing the partner by hounding the person about every penny they spend.

As this violence persists, the victims are not only driven into a state of psychological desperation but often come to accept the abuser’s accusations, becoming so robbed of all self-esteem that they believe they actually deserve to be abused and mistreated. They may feel helpless and lose the courage to even attempt to change the self-destructive situation they are in. In addition, children who grow up in a home where there is domestic violence have been shown to be negatively influenced.

A law to prevent domestic violence was first enacted in Japan in 2001, bringing the nation one step forward, but the majority of spouses—and men in particular—do not recognize violence toward their partners as a criminal act. A law dealing with this problem was passed in 1989 in Puerto Rico—making it a leader among Latin American and Caribbean nations on this issue.

Dr. Santiago-Negrón regards violence as an illness and suggests it should be approached as a public health issue: “Tuberculosis, pertussis [whooping cough], diphtheria: We conquered them because we studied them. The same thing applies to violence. You have to study . . . the risk factors. Why do some communities participate and others not? What are the motivations?”[2]

Why is it that men in particular tend to inflict violence on their partners? One important factor is a twisted attitude of male authority, the belief that wives are supposed to silently obey their husbands and deserve to be punished if they don’t. Attendant on this is a culture of violence that endorses physical force as a response to the feeling that one’s authority has been challenged or is not being obeyed.

Child abuse is also a terrible social problem, and some suggest that the attitude that problems can be solved by forceful, violent means is learned by children from their parents. Alice Miller, renowned German psychotherapist and author of several books concerning the influence of childhood on the life of adults, has written: “The reason why parents mistreat their children has less to do with character and temperament than with the fact that they were mistreated themselves and were not permitted to defend themselves.”[3]

Children who are subjected to harsh physical punishment or violent verbal abuse by their parents nevertheless want to believe that their parents love them; if their parents punish them, they try to convince themselves, it must be out of love. They attempt to adapt to these circumstances by unconsciously denying their emotional pain in spite of how badly they are treated. As a result, they become emotionally numb, not only to their own feelings but to those of others, and when they become parents they are highly likely to repeat the abuse that was inflicted upon them, this time harming their own children. This is partly because they don’t know any other way that parents and children interact. This can sometimes be prevented if there is someone in the abused child’s environment who understands what they are suffering and can comfort them and ease their pain.

Abuse is a cycle that runs from generation to generation. Says Miller: “Children who are lectured to, learn how to lecture; if they are admonished, they learn how to admonish; if scolded, they learn how to scold; if ridiculed, they learn how to ridicule; if humiliated, they learn how to humiliate; if their psyche is killed, they will learn how to kill—the only question is who will be killed: oneself, others, or both.”[4]

If this theory is true, then the roots of war itself are to be found in the family. Dr. Santiago-Negrón argues eloquently: “It worries me that people think war is a way to solve conflict. . . . If you and I have a difference, a conflict, we should never consider the possibility of engaging in physical confrontation to solve [it]. This applies on the personal level, but it also applies to nations.” Adults, he affirms, have a responsibility to set an example of nonviolence for young people.

There is a reason that Dr. Santiago-Negrón is so sensitive to the domination of force. His homeland, Puerto Rico, has been subjugated and colonized by other nations for centuries—first by the Spanish and then by the United States. The people of this island nation have always been forced to follow someone else’s rules, both politically and religiously, and when growing up it seemed to him that freedom and liberty were not possibilities in his future. What a terrible feeling of oppression and frustration it is, when a people are not free to determine their own future or that of their society!

Just when these feelings were weighing most heavily on Dr. Santiago-Negrón as a young man, he met an inspiring teacher, and his life was transformed: the psychologist Dr. Carlos Albizu (founder of the university that bears his name). Dr. Santiago-Negrón was 18 at the time and, like a sponge, he absorbed everything he could from this wonderful mentor.

What kind of person was Dr. Albizu? Dr. Santiago-Negrón recalls him as a man overflowing with love and affection, a genuine inspiration to others. He was an excellent listener. Instead of just telling his students to try hard, he respected each as an individual and really listened to them. He invited students to his home, which was not something university professors did in those days, and he asked his students to tell him about themselves, listening with great interest and concentration as they did so. Sometimes, Dr. Santiago-Negrón recalls, such gatherings would stretch on to 3:00 in the morning, ranging over an incredibly wide variety of subjects. Looking back on those sessions, he calls them an unforgettable experience.

The ability to inspire others is the fundamental requirement of a leader. In the workplace, for example, a boss who orders employees about may get superficial obedience, but he won’t win any hearts, and this will show up in the work the employees do. Such a manager may look at an employee and decide “He has no drive or initiative.” But the manager never realizes that it is his own attitude and behavior that are robbing the employee of drive and initiative.

The more one relies on coercion and force, the more impoverished and paralyzed one’s spirit becomes.

Let us imagine another, entirely different kind of manager. One of her employees makes a mistake with a customer and comes to her to fearfully report on his error. He’s expecting her to chew him out, but instead she says: “I see. Don’t worry, I’ll handle this. Just leave it to me.” Naturally, in addition to immense relief, the employee will feel tremendous respect for his manager and eagerly work to please her and show his appreciation for her kindness and support.

Respecting, encouraging, and inspiring others make everything go smoothly—whether at the workplace, in the home, the nation, or the world. And what is the most important factor in inspiring and encouraging others? Gratitude and appreciation—the recognition that an individual’s contribution is important and helpful. Feeling needed by others encourages and inspires anyone.

SGI-USA young men’s leader Jomo Thorne was born in Puerto Rico, and SGI-USA young women’s leader Beatrice Lopez is of Puerto Rican heritage. When Beatrice’s mother, Mrs. Ramos, was 13, she moved from Puerto Rico to New York City with her father (Beatrice’s grandfather) and siblings. But because of their father’s violence, the children were eventually sent to live in separate homes. Mrs. Ramos was taken in by a Catholic convent, and she also enrolled in school. Unable to speak English, she was lonely and alienated in both places. She was very homesick and wanted to return home. Whenever Mrs. Ramos called Puerto Rico and talked to her mother (Beatrice’s grandmother), who had remained there because she was ill, her mother said to her: “You’ll be fine. You’re a wonderful girl. You are my pride and joy.”

Hearing those words, Mrs. Ramos realized that her own efforts in a new country, hard as they were for her, were also a source of encouragement to her mother. She felt a new strength stir within her. The awareness that her mother needed and appreciated her enabled her to rise to the challenges she faced. Cherishing this legacy of appreciation, she is today living a positive and happy life.

“Thank you” is a miraculous expression. We feel good when we say it, and we feel good when we hear it. I am constantly saying “Thank you” from morning to night, every day. When I visit other countries, it is the one expression I always learn and use, whether it is “Thank you,” “Merci,” “Danke,” “Gracias,” “Spasibo,” or “Xie-xie.” I express my thanks with deep sincerity, looking the other person in the eye as I speak.

When we speak or hear the words “thank you,” the armor falls from our hearts and we communicate on the deepest level. “Thank you” is the essence of nonviolence. It contains respect for the other person, humility, and a profound affirmation of life. It possesses a positive, upbeat optimism. It has strength. A person who can sincerely say thank you has a healthy, vital spirit, and each time we say it our heart sparkles and the life force rises up powerfully from the depths of our being.

I was deeply moved by the profound gratitude Dr. Santiago-Negrón felt for his mentor, Dr. Albizu. Being grateful for the support that so many other people have given us—that awareness, that feeling, that joy—will bring us even greater happiness. Instead of being grateful because we are happy, the feeling of gratitude itself actually brings us happiness. Prayers with a spirit of gratitude, too, harmonize most effectively with the rhythm of the universe and turn our lives in a positive direction.

When we cannot say thank you, our personal growth stops. When we are growing, we can see how wonderful others are, too. When we stop growing, all we see are other people’s faults.

In our families, instead of trying to change our partners, children, or siblings, why not start with the simple utterance, “Thank you”?

A certain woman became afflicted with senile dementia in old age, and she was unable to remember even the names of her family members. But when the doctor asked her what was the happiest moment in her life, she immediately responded: “When my daughter was born. I was so happy!” Hearing this, tears welled up in the eyes of the daughter, who was standing nearby. “Thank you,” she said. “Thank you, mother. That was all I needed to hear.”

And at the same time, the daughter regretted how she was always scolding her own child. “After all,” she thought, “that was the happiest time in my life, too—when he was born.” Yet, over the years, driven by some mental image of an ideal child, she had tried to mold her son to that pattern, thinking only of where he didn’t measure up to the ideal, dwelling on his shortcomings in one respect or another. Still, in spite of how demanding she was, her son tried his best to live up to her ideals. He was kind to her. Suddenly she was overcome with gratitude. “Thank you. I am happy that you were born, too. I am happy just that you are here with me. Thank you.”

She saw her son with fresh eyes, and suddenly she had more than enough reason to be grateful and happy. After all, though it was hard getting her son out of bed in the mornings, he would eventually get up, even if it was sometimes at the last minute. That in itself was a wonderful miracle. He may have been a little picky about his food, his grades may not have been top in the class, but she was just grateful he went to school every day. She was just grateful for his smile.

She was grateful for everything, even when nothing special happened. She was grateful that her son returned home safe and sound each day. She realized that taking so much for granted and having so many demands had been a symptom of a deep and pervading arrogance on her part.

Many people who are diagnosed with a serious illness realize for the first time just how much they have taken their health for granted up until then.

That’s why it’s so important for wives to take the opportunity, every once in a while, to look their husband’s square in the eye and say, “Thank you, dear.” And husbands shouldn’t just silently eat their dinner, but look at their wives and say: “Thank you, dear, for everything.” It may seem a bit embarrassing, but try it: you’ll see how it changes your life.

In order to surmount the barriers and overcome the hardships we encounter on our way through life, says Dr. Santiago-Negrón, we need an optimistic belief that we can triumph over them. And to become optimistic, he adds, one needs to have contact with inspiring, optimistic people.

We have many friends living according to the optimistic and inspiring teachings of Buddhism. That is why we can change our lives, our families, our workplaces, our communities, our societies, and the world. We do not need to give up on our dreams of change. A Puerto Rican peace activist has said: “Having money is not what makes a person rich; true wealth is having a dream.”

After graduating from the University of Puerto Rico, Dr. Salvador Santiago-Negrón obtained his doctorate in school psychology in 1969 from the University of Wisconsin in the United States. He has served as president of the Puerto Rican Association of Presidents of Universities since 1998, and is currently the president of Carlos Albizu University, which has campuses in San Juan, Puerto Rico and Miami, Florida.

[1] This anecdote is paraphrased from Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (New York: Quill, 1997), pp. 88–89.

[2] From an interview appearing in the January 12, 2004 issue of the Puerto Rico Herald.

[3] Alice Miller, For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence, translated by Hildegarde and Hunter Hannum (New York: Farrar, Straus, Giroux, 2002), p. 105.

[4] Ibid., p. 98.